Who’s not getting tired of the reality show rut? Every season it’s the same old same old. The season starts out with a bunch of cocky contestants saying they’re going to win. Every week one gets eliminated. It was fun for a while, but it has become stale. Below I propose some changes to some of the most popular reality TV shows. Let me know what you think.
1. American Idol. Now in it’s eighth season, AI consistently ranks as the top reality show. But even they recognize the need to freshen up the show, and have added a new judge and a new rule, called the Save. The judges can now save one contestant from elimination. That’s a good start, but let’s go a step further. I propose that we stop the vote. After all, anytime I call the line is busy anyway, not to mention that it has become a popularity contest. Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry were eliminated too early, just to name two. So forget voting. Let’s have the contestants nominate the bottom two contestants, then the judges can decide. That’s right, just like they do in Hell’s Kitchen, contestants will judge each other. This way we’ll see their true colors. And I promise that all those kids that come off as so nice and wholesome, will show an edge and add some real excitement to each elimination.
2. Hell’s Kitchen. This show has to be staged. Who would subject themselves to such abuse? Why would anyone (hello Gordon Ramsay) act like such an ass on national TV? I say we give Mr. Ramsay a taste of his own medicine. Let’s make him go on the losing team each week and see how he does. We should also ban swearing. Anyone caught swearing will be subject to elimination. That should quiet the old boy some. Then let’s see if he gets eliminated if that team loses the next week. As for judging, let’s get the three judges from the Food Network’s Chopping Block to judge. They are real chefs, and decent people.
3. Rock of Love. Come on, Bret, you already picked two Rocks of Love, and ended up with neither. Is this skank-a-thon ever gonna end with you settling down? Didn’t think so. Hence our new rule changes. The first show will now start with 30 women. Viewers will see them on TV, get to know them, then vote to keep the top 10. The first show thus ends with twenty eliminations. Every week a skank will be voted off by viewers, not Bret. That’s because he failed so miserably with his first two and needs help. At the conclusion of the show, he will have to marry the remaining skank. Yes. MARRY! And he can’t sing “Every Rose Has its Thorn” anymore. Please!
4. The Celebrity Apprentice. Firstly, even if we pretend that there’s any reality to this show, what’s with the nepotism? Donny, get rid of the kids. No twenty something kid should judge anyone, no matter how much you donated for their education. If you have to keep the children on the show, put one on each team and subject them to elimination if they’re on the losing side. Let’s see what they’re really made of. Now that that’s settled, we have to eliminate the contestants’ ability to call their friends for donations. If they’re going to sell cupcakes, then sell them to regular people. There’s no such thing as a $5000 cupcake! If the cupcakes are good and the marketing plan is well thought out, then your team will outsell the other team. Is this a contest of who has the richest friends or a contest to ferret out the best business people?
5. America’s Next Top Model. If I have to hear the phrase, “Tyra Mail” again, I will barf. Ditto “fierce”. Your fierce! That’s fierce! You’re not fierce enough! OVERUSED! You would think a top model contender would be attractive, but anorexic giraffe-sized waifs do nothing for me. The only saving grace to this show is the cat fighting. So why not extend it? Instead of Tyra eliminating the contestants, let’s have the contestants nominate the bottom two, then every week they can have a fashion magazine editor make the final decision.
6. Flavor of Love. Nobody likes a skankfest more than me. But no self respecting skank would date a 50 something year old washed up rapper that wears a clock around his neck that is bigger than him. I just don’t buy it. But I do like skanks, so I’m ready for Flavor of Love 4, but with some changes. Let’s get rid of Flavor Flav and put someone cool and current in. Maybe Kanye West, or Justin Timberlake. Then we move the show to HBO so there’s no censorship. The bottom four will face elimination and have to go mud wrestling. The top two mud wrestlers will be safe. The bottom two move on to the wet T-shirt contest. Sadly, the loser will go home and not get a clock.
7. Top Chef. Love it. But answer this: How did Padma Lakshmi become the end all be all of judging food? Isn’t she a model? She replaced Katie Lee Joel, who actually is a chef, after season one, and it was thought that they wanted a more lively, less monotonic sounding host. Ok, she wrote a cookbook. But is she really a chef? I say we keep her as host and drop her from judging. When she has her judging hat on, she makes me think she’s Dominatrix Padma, so stern, and serious is she. I fear her like I feared my mommy when she came home to find my bedroom untidy. Speaking of judging, let’s make a switch and have Gordon Ramsay judge this show, and Tom Colichio judge Hell’s Kitchen. And finally, can we have the contestants stop using fancy terms and just say what they are making so we can understand? And while we’re at it, let’s de-snub a bit more. Make the contestants cook the kind of real food you and I have at home. Let them come in my pantry and make something out of peanut butter, white bread, macaroni and cheese, and oodles of noodles. And one more thing, they must cook food that is actually good for you, not buttery, fatty, high cholesterol-laden decadent foods that none of us can afford.
I was going to do a more comprehensive list, but got intimidated when I saw the Outrageously long list of reality shows. There are hundreds. Check out the list and you’ll see. You thought game shows were taking over TV in the late 70’s and early 80’s, but this is an epidemic. It has infected every channel. The Golf Channel has a reality show. How about a Bowling reality show, staring Simon Cowell? Tennis with John McEnroe? We have cooking covered. Nannies, check. I even saw a reality show for makeup artists. Wait, I have a novel idea. How about a Scott Baio reality show? What? It’s been done? Twice! I’m having a reality show at home. Each week I will eliminate one person from my family. Whoever annoys me most, be it step-mom, cousin, sister-in-law or wife, will be eliminated. Something tells me I’ll end up all alone. That just leaves more time for REALITY TV!
